I absolutely love candy canes but this post is supposed to be about umbrellas
which sometimes have candy cane shaped handles, so I suppose that's why I would like to have a candy cane right now, instead of writing about umbrellas.
Umbrellas are very useful.
Candy canes are also useful because they freshen your breath and give you a small sugar rush and can be used in self defense. They hang perfectly on the side of a mug of hot chocolate, so you can have a peppermint hot chocolate. So fancy. Also they are just pretty. The small candy canes are preferable.
Small umbrellas are more parasols than umbrellas. Both can block the sun but the umbrella is better suited to keep the rain off of you. One time I used an umbrella to make a newspaper parasol and it's a neat prop, except I can't close it, because it's paper mâché.
Sometimes, because of the way I have to store it, the parasol pokes me in the eye. I think the eye poking, and the potential for water flying everywhere, are the reasons people say that opening an umbrella indoors is bad luck.
This isn't bad luck though, because it's a parasol and it was never closed in the first place. See, the superstition says "opening" an umbrella is bad luck. But if it's already open when you come into the house, then it's okay. Also lucky for the homeowner because they have a big front door that an umbrella baring person can fit through easily.
Opening candy canes is difficult. When I get it right, I feel like the master of candy cane opening. But get it wrong, and the candy cane becomes a crumbly mess all over the floor and I have to kick the crumbs under things so no one can see that I am not the master of candy cane opening.
The newspaper parasol is about to become a crumbly mess if it keeps poking me in the eye.
Peppermint is also a soothing flavor. Which is useful when you're mad at a parasol.
Umbrellas are actually a very selfish thing. Which is great. They never really fit two people comfortably and they give you a lot of personal space. Not unlike the poncho. People who wear ponchos are weird, and people tend to avoid them. Which is why I have three.
One time, when I was wearing a poncho, Totalie took his poncho off and threw it behind him, and the poncho hit me in the eye, and I had to see an eye doctor which was difficult because of vision loss. I ruined that pun on purpose.
What is it with things poking me in the eye!?
So anyway the lesson of that story is, Totalie was wearing a poncho, and is a weirdo so, I should have been standing further away from him.
Um...if it isn't already clear to you, the cool person reading this, I didn't prepare for my blog post this week, and I'm just sitting here looking at my mason jar full of small candy canes and trying to come up with some story involving umbrellas.
Wednesday, February 6, 2019
Monday, February 4, 2019
Kite Flying
/\
/ \
| Kite |
\ /
\/
/
flying
is
best
when
winds
support
them
much
like
our
dreams,
friendships,
and
family.
Wednesday, January 30, 2019
Tea Time Interview with Totalie.
Totalie sits at a table watching his tea steep at a cafe table conveniently located in a cafe. He has a crossword puzzle in his lap, as well as some bagel crumbs. Trulie enters the cafe and makes a bee line for Totalie's table. She then walks over and lays the line of paper cut bees out onto the table. "I made a bee line for your table." she said, really making sure no one missed the pun. Totalie mumbled something about cafe tables being too small for decorations as Trulie stole a chair from another table, and dragged it loudly over to sit with Totalie.
Totalie goes back to his tea and Trulie sits staring at him in silence for what seemed like three seconds. She breaks the silence. "So how's your day going?" Totalie responds without looking away from his now-over-steeped mug of tea. "Well! It's going well. Except this crossword puzzle is giving me a hard time." He picks up the crossword puzzle dumping a dusting of bagel crumbs onto the floor. Trulie takes it from him. "Dude, why are you staring at your tea?" She picks up the pen and starts writing her answers into the crossword puzzle.
"No reason." Totalie says and decides it is now a good time to look up at Trulie. He frowns because he knows she's just writing words that fit into the puzzle and not the actual answers. Trulie finishes and puts the crossword puzzle and pen down. "I don't believe you." She says. Totalie's eyes shift left to right. "What...what do you mean?" he asks with an awkward laugh. Trulie sighs. "This is an odd situation. You sent your resume to The Trulie Awesome Show for a position that isn't even open!"
Totalie relaxes a little now that the conversation has started. He never did well with conversation starters. "You're upset because I sent my resume to the person who currently holds the position I want, right?" He chuckles and picks up his tea.
Trulie leans forward, "Tell me Totalie, what makes you think you are qualified for my position at The Trulie Awesome Show?" She leans back knowing he is not qualified, mainly because, his name is not Trulie.
Totalie sips his tea and immediately gets up and puts the mug in the "Return Plates and Mugs" here bin. He comes back to his seat. Trulie has turned the crossword puzzle into a boat, and is twirling it around on her finger. Totalie starts the interview. "Well since you're going right into the interview, thank you by the way for having me here to interview, it's a great opportunity and I appreciate your time, okay let's start with my hair."
Trulie places the boat onto one of the green points he calls hair. "Your hair is cooler than mine. I agree" Trulie sits back and starts to think about a dance number involving boat hair. Totalie continues with his very practiced interview. Luckily he had practiced this while talking to a wall, because he was pretty much doing that now.
"Yes. My hair. It's so much more in style than yours. In addition, I'm older and more mature than you, which makes me more appealing to a more general audience. And that's just for starters!" He looks at Trulie who is now doing choreography for the Boat Hair Dance in her chair. He snaps his fingers and she looks at him with a glare. "Do continue." She says, crossing her arms and legs in order to keep from dancing in her chair again. Totalie mirrors her body language, as he was taught to do by his Interview Coach, and continues.
"I'm well tuned in to comedy and comedic dilemmas. I have also felt the feelings of loss, sorrow, hate, love, and greed..." "What does that have to do with anything?" Trulie interrupts. Totalie answers proudly. "It covers your performance art stuff. I'm showing I have a human side to work with, and can be vulnerable." He had practiced that answer too, although he meant to say "work" instead of "stuff". He worries she will focus in on the word "stuff" and derail the interview, so he quickly starts again.
"I am up to date with the latest in comedy and performance art WORK technologies and formulas, and I can dance like a tree in a hurricane." He demonstrates, and Trulie is enthralled. She joins him in his movement and soon they are asked to leave by the Assistant Manger of the cafe.
Now outside of the cafe, the interview continues. "I can shoot pool ambidextrously. I can write poetry that can make you laugh, cry, think, feel..." Trulie stops him. "No I've read your Tevin Skyward poetry bits and it seems to me they are deliberately awful." Trulie shivers at the thought of hearing another of his poems, and also because they are now outside and it is very cold. "Hurry up and finish this interview, it is very cold." Trulie says, shoving her hands into her coat pockets.
Totalie pulls himself up into a victory pose for fifteen seconds then puts his hands on his hips. "I have an outstanding work ethic. Have never misused nature, and I know what a stage is now."
Trulie looks at Totalie thoughtfully. "You know, The Totalie Scrumptious Show" does have a ring to it, and I have been meaning to make a go at the get-rich-at-sloth-speed career choice of creating words of wisdom for the entire world to read on certain days." "Greeting cards?" Totalie asks to clarify. "Yes greeting cards. Thank you for clarifying that." Trulie smiles.
"Totalie. I've been thinking about it and everything you said makes sense. Good job preparing for the interview. You start next week." Trulie says, and walks away from the stunned Totalie who calls after her "You mean, I got the job!?" Trulie spins on her heal and starts walking backwards "That's what I said, but it's also National Backwards Day so lliw uoy tahw ti htiw od" and with that she attempts to whistle backwards as she disappears around the corner of a building.
Totalie is crushed but, also very cold, so he starts walking toward the direction of Trulie, knowing that if he just waited...eventually she would trip and fall and would need help.
But being that it was National Backwards Day, he wouldn't help her. So at least he had that.
Totalie goes back to his tea and Trulie sits staring at him in silence for what seemed like three seconds. She breaks the silence. "So how's your day going?" Totalie responds without looking away from his now-over-steeped mug of tea. "Well! It's going well. Except this crossword puzzle is giving me a hard time." He picks up the crossword puzzle dumping a dusting of bagel crumbs onto the floor. Trulie takes it from him. "Dude, why are you staring at your tea?" She picks up the pen and starts writing her answers into the crossword puzzle.
"No reason." Totalie says and decides it is now a good time to look up at Trulie. He frowns because he knows she's just writing words that fit into the puzzle and not the actual answers. Trulie finishes and puts the crossword puzzle and pen down. "I don't believe you." She says. Totalie's eyes shift left to right. "What...what do you mean?" he asks with an awkward laugh. Trulie sighs. "This is an odd situation. You sent your resume to The Trulie Awesome Show for a position that isn't even open!"
Totalie relaxes a little now that the conversation has started. He never did well with conversation starters. "You're upset because I sent my resume to the person who currently holds the position I want, right?" He chuckles and picks up his tea.
Trulie leans forward, "Tell me Totalie, what makes you think you are qualified for my position at The Trulie Awesome Show?" She leans back knowing he is not qualified, mainly because, his name is not Trulie.
Totalie sips his tea and immediately gets up and puts the mug in the "Return Plates and Mugs" here bin. He comes back to his seat. Trulie has turned the crossword puzzle into a boat, and is twirling it around on her finger. Totalie starts the interview. "Well since you're going right into the interview, thank you by the way for having me here to interview, it's a great opportunity and I appreciate your time, okay let's start with my hair."
Trulie places the boat onto one of the green points he calls hair. "Your hair is cooler than mine. I agree" Trulie sits back and starts to think about a dance number involving boat hair. Totalie continues with his very practiced interview. Luckily he had practiced this while talking to a wall, because he was pretty much doing that now.
"Yes. My hair. It's so much more in style than yours. In addition, I'm older and more mature than you, which makes me more appealing to a more general audience. And that's just for starters!" He looks at Trulie who is now doing choreography for the Boat Hair Dance in her chair. He snaps his fingers and she looks at him with a glare. "Do continue." She says, crossing her arms and legs in order to keep from dancing in her chair again. Totalie mirrors her body language, as he was taught to do by his Interview Coach, and continues.
"I'm well tuned in to comedy and comedic dilemmas. I have also felt the feelings of loss, sorrow, hate, love, and greed..." "What does that have to do with anything?" Trulie interrupts. Totalie answers proudly. "It covers your performance art stuff. I'm showing I have a human side to work with, and can be vulnerable." He had practiced that answer too, although he meant to say "work" instead of "stuff". He worries she will focus in on the word "stuff" and derail the interview, so he quickly starts again.
"I am up to date with the latest in comedy and performance art WORK technologies and formulas, and I can dance like a tree in a hurricane." He demonstrates, and Trulie is enthralled. She joins him in his movement and soon they are asked to leave by the Assistant Manger of the cafe.
Now outside of the cafe, the interview continues. "I can shoot pool ambidextrously. I can write poetry that can make you laugh, cry, think, feel..." Trulie stops him. "No I've read your Tevin Skyward poetry bits and it seems to me they are deliberately awful." Trulie shivers at the thought of hearing another of his poems, and also because they are now outside and it is very cold. "Hurry up and finish this interview, it is very cold." Trulie says, shoving her hands into her coat pockets.
Totalie pulls himself up into a victory pose for fifteen seconds then puts his hands on his hips. "I have an outstanding work ethic. Have never misused nature, and I know what a stage is now."
Trulie looks at Totalie thoughtfully. "You know, The Totalie Scrumptious Show" does have a ring to it, and I have been meaning to make a go at the get-rich-at-sloth-speed career choice of creating words of wisdom for the entire world to read on certain days." "Greeting cards?" Totalie asks to clarify. "Yes greeting cards. Thank you for clarifying that." Trulie smiles.
"Totalie. I've been thinking about it and everything you said makes sense. Good job preparing for the interview. You start next week." Trulie says, and walks away from the stunned Totalie who calls after her "You mean, I got the job!?" Trulie spins on her heal and starts walking backwards "That's what I said, but it's also National Backwards Day so lliw uoy tahw ti htiw od" and with that she attempts to whistle backwards as she disappears around the corner of a building.
Totalie is crushed but, also very cold, so he starts walking toward the direction of Trulie, knowing that if he just waited...eventually she would trip and fall and would need help.
But being that it was National Backwards Day, he wouldn't help her. So at least he had that.
Monday, January 28, 2019
Pancakes!
Totalie was standing on the doorstep to Trulie’s house. He had been waiting all week for this day ever since he received the very intricate and gilded invitation. He knocked twice and then waited.
He could hear a loud bustling coming from the other side of the door. Metallic sounds rhythmically taping out with the occasional sproing sound here and there. The noise sounded like it was getting louder and louder, as well as much more intense. As the sound escalated Totalie could feel the porch stoop starting to shake a little. Perhaps there was an earthquake in motion? But as suddenly as it had started, all the noise ended very abruptly and a single voice floated out after the break in sound, “Oh quackers…”
Totalie reassured himself and went to knock on the door as it suddenly opened to Trulie holding a squishy parrot in a doctors outfit.
“I’m sorry doctor Quackers, your sound just isn’t fitting in with the pots and pans band I’m putting together. I understand you’re the strong and silent type, but this band is all about making an auditory experience.” With that Trulie set doctor Quackers on the stoop and was about to close the door.
“Trulie,” Totalie said getting her attention, “I’m here.”
“Yes you are, and I’m here. How may I help you?”
Totalie held up the invitation, and said simply, “Waffles!” He was beaming ear to ear.
“Ah yes, you’re here for pancake day.” Trulie said knowingly. “I’m afraid we aren’t done using the pots, pans, and bowls for the band, so you’ll have to come back some other time.”
“Wait… you just said pancakes…” Totalie started.
“No, I said that a while ago, I just said, come back some other time.”
“But the invitation said waffles?”
“Is that how you spell waffles? I figured you wouldn’t leave your house for anything less.” She looked at him, “I think my points are proved.”
“But what about the waffles?”
“Silly it’s national blueberry pancake day, you shouldn’t be talking about waffles.” And with that she closed the door.
“Does this mean there are no waffles today?” Totalie turned and said to doctor Quackers. The doctor just stood there in silence. “You’re right! we can just go get waffles together.” With that Totalie picked up doctor Quackers and they went off to the closest waffle diner and ate until their bellies were full. Doctor Quackers picked up the bill.
Thursday, January 24, 2019
The Bug. (A work of fiction written by Trulie at a much younger age)
My house is in the middle of the city. That's not a figurative statement. Some people say, "My house is in the middle of nowhere." but that's all figurative because there isn't a nowhere because if there were it would be somewhere.
No, my house really is in the exact middle of the city. Which some people may consider to be amazingly exciting, but they would be wrong. After all, this city is the size of my bathroom window on the map of our state. It's not big. It's more like a sliver of glass made to give the illusion that you could possibly breath if the bathtub overflowed until you floated about the room like a fish.
We've lived in this house since I was six and my brother was three. My dog was two. Which is fourteen in dog years because you multiply the human year by seven.
I remember moving day. It was this very day. Well, this very date anyway. It was actually on a Thursday because it was three years ago plus one leap year. My mom woke me up at seven in the morning so I could pack up the little tent I had been sleeping in, but before we left, I made sure I had all of my secret belongings from under the loose floor board in my closet. It was very important, because things that are secret are very important. Things like my favorite gum, my locust shell collection, and the cats-eye marble I found on the playground. I put the box of treasures in my backpack and headed to this very house.
The ride seemed like forever. It couldn't have been forever though because I would still be driving instead of telling you this story and I wasn't driving. My dad was. I don't think I will be able to drive until I can use all of those words my dad uses without getting into trouble for it.
We arrived here and I wasn't very impressed. My room was going to be in the back of the house but now it is in the attic because there wasn't enough room for all of my Nancy Drew books. My brother lives in the back room not but I think my brother should sleep in the basement and my dog should get my old room because, after all, he is older.
At first, it was fun exploring all of the different places in the house, but that got old after a day. There's one place I have yet to explore though. There's a neat room that's supposed to be used for storage that my mom and dad said was their "private space." I've always wanted to go in and see what was in there, it's not allowed though, and I still don't understand why.
Just the other day I found a way into the room. There was a huge bug. The size of both of my hands I swear. It had long fangs and icky legs. It was trying to find food to take back to its home. I watched it for awhile even though I was supposed to be eating my oatmeal. I hate oatmeal.
The bug must've gotten what it wanted because it started to run back to its home. So I followed it. It took a lot of unnecessary trips through the couch and chairs, the bathroom, and the computer room. Finally it stopped at the entrance of the room and slid under the door. Naturally I went back downstairs to finish my icky oatmeal like the good kid I am, but I kept thinking of that bug. Why should that bug get to see the secret room and not me? I decided that it was an injustice to be fought.
I put on my super detective costume and grabbed my handy dandy notebook, and I set out for the forbidden room. I came to the door and placed my ear on it. No sounds. I tried the handle and the door was locked but I had found an item that could help me unlock this mystery! A key! A skeleton key to be exact. I found it in the attic and it opens any door.
I put the key in the lock and turned it. The door opened smoothly. It was so exciting but it was so dark. Not dark like when you sleep, but so dark you can't even see the glow in the dark strips on your sneakers.
I started to feel around for a light switch to no avail. I was quite disappointed when suddenly I had an idea. There was something I had seen on TV that I thought just might work. I stood in the doorway, on the threshold of discovering the last secret of this house. I took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and clapped my hands really loud two times.
I opened my eyes to the light and...
Two hands grabbed me by my shoulders and pulled me out of the room before I could see anything. It was my mom. I tried to explain to her, you know, about the bug and everything, but she didn't buy it. That's why I am in my room now and not allowed out until dinner.
It's not easy being the greatest super detective in the universe.
No, my house really is in the exact middle of the city. Which some people may consider to be amazingly exciting, but they would be wrong. After all, this city is the size of my bathroom window on the map of our state. It's not big. It's more like a sliver of glass made to give the illusion that you could possibly breath if the bathtub overflowed until you floated about the room like a fish.
We've lived in this house since I was six and my brother was three. My dog was two. Which is fourteen in dog years because you multiply the human year by seven.
I remember moving day. It was this very day. Well, this very date anyway. It was actually on a Thursday because it was three years ago plus one leap year. My mom woke me up at seven in the morning so I could pack up the little tent I had been sleeping in, but before we left, I made sure I had all of my secret belongings from under the loose floor board in my closet. It was very important, because things that are secret are very important. Things like my favorite gum, my locust shell collection, and the cats-eye marble I found on the playground. I put the box of treasures in my backpack and headed to this very house.
The ride seemed like forever. It couldn't have been forever though because I would still be driving instead of telling you this story and I wasn't driving. My dad was. I don't think I will be able to drive until I can use all of those words my dad uses without getting into trouble for it.
We arrived here and I wasn't very impressed. My room was going to be in the back of the house but now it is in the attic because there wasn't enough room for all of my Nancy Drew books. My brother lives in the back room not but I think my brother should sleep in the basement and my dog should get my old room because, after all, he is older.
At first, it was fun exploring all of the different places in the house, but that got old after a day. There's one place I have yet to explore though. There's a neat room that's supposed to be used for storage that my mom and dad said was their "private space." I've always wanted to go in and see what was in there, it's not allowed though, and I still don't understand why.
Just the other day I found a way into the room. There was a huge bug. The size of both of my hands I swear. It had long fangs and icky legs. It was trying to find food to take back to its home. I watched it for awhile even though I was supposed to be eating my oatmeal. I hate oatmeal.
The bug must've gotten what it wanted because it started to run back to its home. So I followed it. It took a lot of unnecessary trips through the couch and chairs, the bathroom, and the computer room. Finally it stopped at the entrance of the room and slid under the door. Naturally I went back downstairs to finish my icky oatmeal like the good kid I am, but I kept thinking of that bug. Why should that bug get to see the secret room and not me? I decided that it was an injustice to be fought.
I put on my super detective costume and grabbed my handy dandy notebook, and I set out for the forbidden room. I came to the door and placed my ear on it. No sounds. I tried the handle and the door was locked but I had found an item that could help me unlock this mystery! A key! A skeleton key to be exact. I found it in the attic and it opens any door.
I put the key in the lock and turned it. The door opened smoothly. It was so exciting but it was so dark. Not dark like when you sleep, but so dark you can't even see the glow in the dark strips on your sneakers.
I started to feel around for a light switch to no avail. I was quite disappointed when suddenly I had an idea. There was something I had seen on TV that I thought just might work. I stood in the doorway, on the threshold of discovering the last secret of this house. I took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and clapped my hands really loud two times.
I opened my eyes to the light and...
Two hands grabbed me by my shoulders and pulled me out of the room before I could see anything. It was my mom. I tried to explain to her, you know, about the bug and everything, but she didn't buy it. That's why I am in my room now and not allowed out until dinner.
It's not easy being the greatest super detective in the universe.
Monday, January 21, 2019
Squirrels!
Knock, knock, knock… the firm knuckles on the door rang out. Awesome was just sitting on his couch watching a new episode of “The Adventures of Pug Dog Millionaire,” his favorite show. He paused it and walked over to the door. Looking through the peephole all he could see was pink. He knew things were about to get interesting. He took a deep breath and opened the door.
“Hi Totalie!” it was like a blast of sunshine and summer air pushed through the door into the solitude of the living room. Totalie wasn’t sure but he also could have sworn something else scurried past him in the blast of outside air. Lot’s of somethings in fact. He was terrified to turn around to the scratching sounds he heard behind him.
“Hi Trulie, what are you up to?” He studied her smile.
“Oh nothing, just wanted to drop by and show you the thing I got myself at the pet store!” She was positively ecstatic. Totalie had also just noticed that Trulie was wearing her pocket coat. A coat she specifically designed with loads of pockets to hold anything and everything. Strangely most of the pockets seemed empty.
“Trulie, why does you coat look so empty?”
“Empty? We might need to get you glasses,” she said looking herself up and down, “I’m standing right inside of it.”
“No, I mean, usually your pockets are filled with baubles and trinkets.”
She looked at him sideways, “I think you mean googly eyes and candy. But today I needed the space. The pet store was having a special!”
Somewhere in the back of Totalie’s head there was a part of him putting the puzzle together, but none of the pieces matched, and it seems someone took three or four of them to steady a table in another part of his mind.
“Don’t you want to see what I got?” Trulie inquired.
“How could I say no?”
“No.” Trulie said thoughtfully.
“It’s an expression”
“A smile is an expression, silly.” She then pulled her left hand out with a sock on it. Sewn to the top of the sock were two floppy sock ears. And crudely drawn in front was an Y. Two googly eyes askew above it. “I named him Sir Boppington.”
“Why?” Totalie asked, instantly regretting it as Trulie bonked him on the head with the sock puppet carefully avoiding his points. But the initial meeting wasn’t lost on him, he needed to turn around and see what was going on behind him as the sound of scratching had grown into a chorus of cacophony. His eyes met with 30 small eyes directed back at him. Squirrels! fifteen of them running around his living room, climbing walls, sitting on his couch, eating his popcorn!
“Oh yeah,” Trulie said thoughtfully, “You had to adopt fifteen squirrels if you wanted to get a sock puppet. Soooooo, say hello to your new roommates: Buster, Bowler, Bashy, Cadence, Clouster, Friendly, Scratchy, Goofball, Wildeyes, Normaleyes, Browneyes, Bigtail, Smalltail, and Blue.”
“Trulie! How could you?” Totalie exclaimed.
“It was actually quite easy…” Trulie started, but Totalie interjected.
“Wait, that was only fourteen names.”
“Well that one, she said pointed at no squirrel in particular, he has no name.” She finished the sentence ominously.
“Trulie, I can’t have squirrels!”
“Sure you can! Look, you already do!” With that she spun in a circle and started out the door. “Welp, I’ll be seeing you. Sir Boppington say’s good day sir!”
“But Trulie!” Totalie said to the closing door, but she was well out of ear shot. He turned back to the room.
“Okay, you guys can stay but only if you sit quietly while we watch ‘The Adventures of Pug Dog Millionaire’.” He felt like they might have understood him, and as he un-paused the show they all sat on the couch with him and watched.
Wednesday, January 16, 2019
Sticking Stickers to Sticks
Stickers come into our lives for many reasons.
Whatever the reason, if a sticker has graced your life, Sunday was National Sticker Day, so you should have shown some appreciation on that day. Now, it is too late.
- They tell us if our school work is good
- They entice us to complete tasks
- They diminish the value of furniture, mirrors, and books
- They let our cars tell people what we like and don't like
- They are handed to us as a marketing ploy
Whatever the reason, if a sticker has graced your life, Sunday was National Sticker Day, so you should have shown some appreciation on that day. Now, it is too late.
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